So do you have a child between the ages of 10-12? If so you have reached the age of having what they call a "Tween." That age where they are not little anymore, but not a teenager yet. My son has reached the age of being a "Tween," and I have noticed a change in his behavior and just how challenging it can be to cope with at times.
No one wants to raise a rude, bratty child. Yet what we parents do, and don't do, causes insolence to escalate. Think about it, we're overtired and overworked. We yearn for good times with our kids, without arguments. We let snarky comments pass, or pick those clothes up off the floor and hang them up ourselves.
While the best defense against kid attitude is an early offense, it's never to late for a makeover. Most likely, you won't banish the backtalk forever, but these tips will help you mitigate it---as well as develop thicker skin:
Figure our what's behind it. Sometimes an obnoxious attitude is a reaction to stress, disappointment, or even too little sleep. Tweens are trying to prove themselves academically and socially, and it can be a challenge to keep negativity and cynicism at bay when they're emotionally depleted. If your child had a fight with a friend or is doing poorly in school, a flippant "so what" tone may conceal fear or anxiety. If he hears you or a spouse speak rudely to others, he'll copy that behavior.
Target one attitude at a time. Do you bristle at his fresh mouth or sense of entitlement? Are you most offended by his barely-under-the-breath remarks or the way he rolls his eyes when you speak? While there may be several things you wish would disappear instantly, focus on one at a time.
Nurture the attitude you want to see. Once you've targeted the offensive attitude, zero in on what you'd like to see instead. For instance, an insensitive child needs to be caring and empathetic; the non-compliant child can learn to be respectful and dependable; the demanding child should be considerate.
Stay cool. Like the schoolyard bully who hones in on the one kid he know will cry, your child wants to see that he's ticking you off--and he's probably quite good at it. That's why you to plan ahead on how you are going to react to his behavior. Maybe have a short script in mind that you can clearly and calmly respond back to the child's hostility in the heat of the moment. Never lash back ("Don't you dare speak to me that way, young man!"); he'll focus on your anger, not what you're saying, and before you know it you'll be embroiled in a power struggle.
Draw your line in the sand. During a peaceful moment, patiently point out the attitudes you're concerned about. Make it clear that, while you understand his feelings and opinions, you won't tolerate his response. You could say, " I know you think I'm not being fair, but I won't be spoken to like that." Or, "That may be the way you talk to your friends, bit it's never okay with me." Give him another chance to respond in a kinder, gentler way: " If you'd like me to help you, ask politely," or "You call me clueless, and that hurts my feelings. Can you say it another way?" Give them the opportunity to think about the tone of voice and actions they used.
Follow through with consequences. If your child has slipped into the habit of being disrespectful, he really may not be aware of it or, in the heat of the moment, realize how wounding his words are. When this happens flat out refuse to respond until he corrects the behavior. If it continues, ground him or take away privileges: no cell phone or X-Box, an earlier bed time, or even missing an important social event.
Notice the good times. When the infuriating comments cease, let your child know you're proud of him. And hang in there: by the age 14 or 15, the nice kid you used to know will come back.
Being a parent isn't easy and it doesn't come with an owners manual, we learn to be the best at it we can be.
With Love,
"B"
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